You can always tell a Goldings boy
But you cant tell him much

Brian Perrier

Wit and Humour

The shortest ever

One day a teacher asked a class to write a composition on a football match, but one small boy found that he was
absolutely stumped, and could not write a thing. He thought ,and thought, and wracked his brains, but the ideas
would not come. At last, just as the period was about to finish, he had a bright idea, and when the master looked
At his book, he found these words: “RAIN NO PLAY”.

H. Ayres.




“Hushed whisper”
Q. Do you want to buy a battleship?
A, Yes.
Q. What colour?
A. Grey.
“Do you remember”

Dave Blower




One sunny afternoon late Spring 1964, the top academics of Goldings were gathered in the school block in
Anticipation of the next lesson by Mr. Brookes. As usual the Jack the Lads of the school were gathered at the back
of the class hoping to do a little trade, hoping that Mr. Brookes didn’t notice Perrier with his Baccy, Angell with his
porno, and many more goings on. I sensed that Mr. Brookes was in a foul mood, he stormed in and said “Woods,
Who knocked down the walls of Jericho?” Woody somewhat taken aback uttered “wasn’t me sir, so you can’t
Blame me, just got back from Pin-- Mr. Wheatley’s office. The class was dumb struck, and I may add for the first
time I Can remember Angell whispered “We’re for it now, who’s knocked down the walls of Jericho? I bet it was
them Hills in Cairns. The class continued with the thought of the full outcome of this stupid act to affect us all in
due Course, we’ve done some stupid things in our time, but to knock down a wall, I bet it was one of the Boot
Makers Sniffing the glue. Break time came, and Mr. Brookes was talking to Bob Newton, and repeated the earlier
events “I asked that fellow Woods in first lesson who knocked down the walls of Jericho? Do you know what he
said” Bob Newton sipping his tea said “and what was his answer?” He said “it wasn’t me sir” “there you go then if
Woods said it wasn’t him that knocked down the walls of Jericho then it must of been someone else ”said
Mr. Newton. On The evening there was a staff meeting in Mr. Wheatley’s office. Mr. Brookes got talking to
Mr. Wheatley, and went over the days events, and said to Mr. Wheatley “today I asked one of our pupils who
knocked down the walls of Jericho? And his reply was not me sir ,I was talking to Mr Newton at staff break ,and
when I mentioned I had asked this stupid student Woods who knocked down the walls of Jericho? And the fact that
he hadn’t, to which Mr. Newton replied “If he said he didn’t do it then I would say he didn’t do it, try that Pete
Drummond he looks the Type to me” Mr. Embleton was overhearing this conversation, and said to staff gathered
“I can’t help but not pass an opinion on our dilemma, it looks like someone has knocked down the walls of Jericho,
Don’t worry about It I’ll send round Mr. Tempest in the morning to measure up we’ll soon put that right.

THE EVENTS AND CHARACTERS IN THIS STORY MAYBE PURELY FICTIONAL .. YES OR NO.

Dave Blower 62-65.

A Queer Language

Traudl Bock, a polish lady, now living in Austria, who has had to master many curious things to master the English
language, has submitted the following rhyme. There are quite a number of verses illustrating the absurdities of the
English spelling, but none of our Readers may have seen this singular one about plurals.
“We’ll begin with box and the plural is boxes
But the plural of ox is oxen not oxes
Then one fowl is a goose, but two are called geese
Yet the plural of mouse should never be meese
You will find a lone mouse in houses not hice
If the plural of man is always called men
Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
Cow in the plural could be cows or kine
But brow if repeated is never called brine
And the plural of vow is vows, never brine
If I speak of a foot and yo show me your feet
And give you a boot, would the pair be called beet?
If one is tooth and the whole set are teeth
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?
If the single is this and the plural is these
Should the plural of kiss ever be nicknamed keese?
Then one would be that and two would be those
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose
And the plural of cat is cats not cose
We speak of a brother but also of brethren
But though we say mother we never say methren
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him
But imagine a feminine she, shis and shim
So this English language, I think you’ll agree
Is the queerest language you ever did see.

R. F. W.

Who Am I?

For fifteen years in Italy
I laid the Romans low,
From Spain I marched to Italy
Amid the Alpine snow;
Battles I won in Italy
Heaping the Roman dead;
across the sea from Italy
To Africa I sped.
The Roman leader Scipio
Scattered my only force,
I fled for my safety,
Pursued without remorse;
the ring upon my finger
with poison was supplied;
I used its deadly venom-and died.

Goldonian, Winter 1949

A Bit Hard

Mistress: Liza! I have left a piece of cake on the landing for you
Liza (busy scrubbing floor): Lor’ mam’ I am using it for pumice stone

J. Wollledge

A Miss Is A Good Mile

An Irish recruit was being taught to shoot, with rather disappointing results. After about an hour of shooting,
without a single mark on the target, the instructor lost his temper and, turning to the recruit, he shouted “ Oh, go
and shoot yourself!” Pat went round the corner, and soon after a shot was fired. The instructor rushed round,
fearing that his foolish remark had led to a ghastly result. What was his surprise to see Pat standing with a gun in
his hand and to be greeted with:
“Its no use, Sergeant, I’ve missed again!”

G. Ball

Too Smart

A schoolboy was home for the holidays. One day he noticed two herrings on the kitchen table, so he turned to his
father and said: " Father, there are three herrings on that table." " Well," said his father, " how do you make that
out?" " You see," said Tom, " this is one, that is two, and one and two are three." " Good," said his father,
" mother can have the first, I will have the second, and you can have the third."

G. H. PARKER.

If you have any of your own jokes please send them to Dave Blower on the Contacts Page

All images and text copyright © to Goldings Old Boys reunion members

Provided by Woody

Page Compiled February 2005

GOLDINGS NIGHT SCHOOL EXAMINATION HOWLERS. April 1928

The Grasshopper is about as big as your mouth when shut.
The drunken man clambered down the road.
Shakespeare wrote a good number of plays, which are well up to date.
Cecil Rhodes was a famous cricketer.
A cyclone is a four-way wind circling round and round, and causing great eruption.
You can tell the age of a horse by its tail.
London is a great place, because it has the most picture palaces in the world.
" Dickens on the Hearth," by R. L. Stephenson.
Queen Victoria exceeded the thrown after Mary Queen of Scots, in 1861.
B.C. means Babies' Castle.
If there was no Force of Gravity we should all be sailing about up in the air.
White Light is made up of a lot of little insects.
A liquid is made of two gases mixed together, and forms water, medicine, and ink.
A liquid is a runnie sort of substance.
When a tree is rotten it is turned into coal in Sheffield.
Sir Robert Louis Stevenson found out many facts about Gravity.
Rubber is made from paper and rags.
An electric current causes lives to die off.
Transparent means pull together.
Echo means hitting thin air.
Rain clouds are formed by smoke out of trains and chimney pots.
Luminous means anything arttyfischill.

Phrases and Foolishness. JULY 1927

" Pray don't mention it "—the thing of which you have already spoken.
" Blind as a bat "—a tennis racquet.
" Beneath one's notice "—that bit of banana skin.
" Ten to one "—nearly lunch time.
" Company manners "—the formal proceeding at a Board meeting.
" Cold as Ice "—Ice.

W. BURNETT.

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